Future Inmate: CR207260

After a protracted guerrilla war in the east region of the compound, the subject succumbed to parental influence and decided to sleep.

Personally, I think the pressure got to her after our piece in the press yesterday. Her people caught wind that we’d outed her barbaric attacks on our slumber. Public sentiment shifts, and you know how these things go.

We certainly didn’t want to go the route of public shaming, but the subject left us no choice. Desperate times call for internet blasting. Perhaps she’ll think twice before pulling out her big guns next time.

Yep, that’s probably what…

Look at that face.

I knew I was getting off too easy a few weeks back when she slept 6 hours four nights in a row. I just knew it was a little too perfect. That’s done for a bit thanks to…

The unholy trinity of terror. None of which we can do anything about. Each member of the trinity like a hurricane or blizzard or tidal wave, it’s coming and you can just hold on and ride it out.

First, she’s teething. That’s fun for everyone. More drool everywhere; “talking” increased by a factor of five (and she’s my…

Is it an emergency? IDK, but the future of humanity might depend on it.

In the late 90’s George Carlin released a CD titled “You are all Diseased”. In his observations of culture, Carlin does a bit he introduces by saying he’s going to talk about “a series of things that are pissing me off.” His explanation for how something arrives on the list, “I don’t have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds”.

The older I get, the more I identify with that.

People who don’t wave when you let them out in traffic fall somewhere between a…

It could be worse, I could be this guy.

Who brings a date to the food court anymore? Is he trying to impress her with Sbarro and a few rounds at the arcade?

I mean, I’m in the food court, but I have an excuse. I’m a middle-aged father of three out doing last minute Christmas shopping, but judging from how this guy is behaving, he needs to scale it back before her look of disinterest turns into an empty chair.

Maybe she did the right thing agreeing to meet at a mall. Public space. Lots of cameras. And you…

Full disclosure, I didn’t want this to happen. I have nothing against DJ. I’m not jealous at all of his six-foot four adonis-like build or that he took off his hat after a round of golf and his hair looked perfect (or that he took off his hat and still had hair). Not jealous of his iron play or putting or his driving game. Nor am I jealous that Dustin Johnson has the swaggiest walk in all the land and the demeanor of a NorCal Buddhist on the course (even though he grew up in South Carolina). …

I’m four months into this new relationship, and I think things are going well. She’s cute, funny, loves golf and isn’t afraid to tell me what she needs; especially when that’s a bottle at 4AM.

Skip ahead a few hours and a diaper change, and it’s 7AM and the kid’s back asleep. After years of instinctively having the television to SportsCenter every morning, I tell the remote I want ESPN.

Full stop. Who else grew up in a world where you didn’t talk to your television remotes? It blows my mind that my kid’s gonna grow up in this world…

Underrated and overlooked

This all started when I discovered I was an onion.

At a work thing recently, the new boss decided to introduce an ice-breaker activity before diving straight into spreadsheets and task forces. I knew something was amiss when I walked into a room that had little piles of Starbursts on the tables and flip-chart paper on the walls.

We’re instructed to pull a handful of these square candies and all would be revealed. I haven’t eaten a Starburst since summer camp, but the sight of a pink Starburst immediately activated my salivary glands. …

The Duke

I’ve never seen a John Wayne movie. I feel like I’m that generation who grew up hearing about John Wayne. Fathers would tell sons about The Duke and refer to him as the epitome of a man’s man. Eventually, father and son would stumble upon some classics on a lazy weekend afternoon or plan a guys night in with a few of dad’s favorites from Blockbuster. I never ended up there in my youth. Pops and I watched old concerts and live sporting events.

The point is, having never seen The Duke in action, Clint Eastwood is my…

Fun fact: a baby’s cry registers at something like 130 decibels. That’s the same as a military jet taking off.

In my latter years of my tenure with the residential camp in Maine, there were a handful of us who wore Motorola walkie talkies. Every once in a while, someone would report a “code brown” to the office. The office would ask if anyone with a radio was close enough to the scene to assist. For a handful of us, it turned into a quasi-competition. Fixing codes became a badge of honor. You racked up numbers. …

Changed my first diaper today.

No matter how much I psyched myself up for being tired like this again, it sucks just as bad now as it did then.

Then was in my 20’s when I was an over-enthusiastic young buck at a residential summer camp in Maine. We’d kill ourselves trying to be more energetic and creative as humanly possible every day for eighteen hours a day over the course of eleven weeks. In those eleven weeks, we’d transform from college kids into mentors and leaders. On our days off, we’d morph into heroes and gods. All the while…

Bud Copeland

I write things. Some of them funny. Some of them smart. Some of them nonsense, but they all come from me.

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